Moments

Sometimes, there are brief moments in life, where everything is wonderful as time stands still. It could be a hug, a smile, a laugh, a kiss... almost anything.

When I find myself in these moments, I always wish I could've done something MORE... not to lessen the sweetness of it, of course.

Instead, I have the memory of the moments to keep me warm until they fade away.

It is indeed just the sweet little time between hello and goodbye.

Another Distraction: Steampunky Writing. Not exactly Safe for Work

Still not up to the discussion on love and loss, but I am feeling touched by the Muse and so, writing!

I'm not really a fan of steampunk, but I like costuming and history and the like. I have decided to actually choose a 'persona' (Well, if I'm going to keep going to see SPG at steampunk cons, I may as well, right? It'll stop me from being at a loss when people ask "So who are you?")... I've actually been working on this choice off and on for about a year but after some thought I have changed my mind and who I wanted to be. Anyway. Here, I write a beginnning....


Now, most folks in this day and age are more interested in the here and now, and what's on the surface. I tell you, no one on this earth knows more about what's on the surface, and how to use it, than me.

I spent my youngest years in relative squalor. I'm not ashamed of it, you have to mindful of where you began to know where you are going. I lived with my parents, and with 4 older brothers. I wasn't as strong or as fast as my brothers at their work.. which I suppose made me be a bit of a disappointment. Still, to be sure, it was a wonderful time. When I was younger, we would all go down to see Missus Zantica. To say that I was enamoured with her is an understatement. She was always elegantly dressed, and had a voice that purred pure butter cream. Even with this softest of demeanor, there was a coolness to her that, if angered, turned into a red hot fire. Sometimes literally.

At any rate, she would give us sweets and tell us stories, which was more than I could ask for at home. She always spoke whimsically of Parisian towns and sensibilities, of cold wintry nights... of ballroom dances. Flights of fancy to be sure. And definitely different from the seedy bottom of San Diego. Missus Zantica always said she wanted to bring some class to this shanty town, one way or another. I would soon learn what exactly she meant by that.

It was not long after I blossomed that I came under her tutelage. It wasn't easy being a poor girl in this town, especially with my skin color, and so it was quite a relief to me (and my family) that I came into her 'care'. It was then that I learned my letters, and how to keep track of numbers, as well as other talents... ones which come to mind when they mention The Business, I'm sure.

The Missus instilled in me at that time an appreciation of who I was, who we all were. "When the clients come to see you, they are not just coming in for a cheap thrill. They want to be entertained, dazzled. You are the living embodiment of their every wish, dream and desire." These words she would often say to us before opening up shop in the evening, and these words I carry in my heart.

Even with all the flowery language, and pretty imagery, it was still a dirty time. Some menfolk were known to be ...rough.. with us. "Just a part of the business." Missus Z would say, as she bandaged us up. I...was often at the short end of this stick... but I still earned my keep, and kept myself tight lipped until one day...

I was 21 years old, and had been working for Missus Z for 8 years. She was old, then, on her last days even, though she still kept that fiery spirit that she was known for. She had called me in to see her, one afternoon. Her lawyer was there, a quiet gent with a nervous manner. "Ahh, hello there Francine. I was just drafting my will." Her head tilts towards the man. "We all know our time on here is short and, I wouldn't want you girls to go without, so here. Everything will be yours to do as you want."

And boy howdy, have I done it and moreso! Some folks say what I do is crude, but I am not running some cheap whorehouse by the waterfront. We accept all types, and each employee is treated with care and respect. I will not tolerate anyone abusing my sons and daughters. And I will make sure you will regret ever crossing Lady Ravenia.


...This is just a rough draft. There's more to tell, but I'm all out of writing juice for now.

What happens at Merkabah...

I'll continue with the loss writing at a different time... I have not really been up to it recently. Instead, let's talk about Merkabah, and creepy poem time.

Hum, Merkabah was fantastic, but, truth be told, I felt a little detached this session. I decided to go without the Kava this go 'round.... so I was flying solo, so to speak!

The energy was still pretty high/joyous, so that's good at least. I was in very good company (with my twinsies Jes and Greg. <3) but eventually I could feel the depression that had been haunting my anxiety all week seep in. I decided that that was probably the time to say my goodbyes and come home.

I drew and wrote a little bit. Mostly just thoughts but I decided to once again listen to my dream self and put to paper a poem I dreamt about reciting. The one picture I actually enjoyed drawing was of a field of flowers, with a butterfly landing on one of them. I wanted only a little bit of color, so though the page was full of them, I only colored the largest flower, the flower the butterfly was aiming for, and the butterfly itself. I like how it came out, which is rare for me and my pictures. Hah.

My poem...was... creepy, in a sweet way? Like Adele's Someone Like You. I'll put it here:

Even If

Even if the stars fell from the sky...
Even if the seas swallowed us whole,
If fires rained, and it hailed ash.

Even if we cried our last tears
Our last meal was made of sand,
If our last drink was just nothing...

Even if your smile spoke of someone new
Even if those kind eyes looked away
And you turned your back, hand in hand with someone else...

Even if....

Yeah, that's it. Sweet/creepy, huh? I am pretty sure I know where this is coming from... it's something that I've been fighting with for a long time. It's okay. I will be fine. It doesn't even hurt anymore.

I have been having terrible anxiety for now the 8th day in a row. I'm not sure how to manage it, now. I guess I will just trudge on. The Show Must Go On, after all.

But What Do I Know? Part 1

This post is going to be about loss. So... you may want to skip this one. Also, spoiler alert for Final Fantasy VII, FF X , FF X-2 and Mother 3. I don't really know where I'm going with this one but ... bear with me on this if you're coming along.

I'm pretty sensitive, as you may or may not know. It doesn't really take much to move me, in films, in books and in video games.

I remember the first time I actually cried to a video game.

I was playing through Final Fantasy VII, pwning doods with my party. Aeris was my favorite character. She was sweet, and kind and had that mysterious background. She was clearly kind of in love with Cloud but she wasn't sure why. And then Sephiroth came and ganked her. No questions asked. The stabbing scene didn't really get to me as much as watching her body float to the bottom of the sea. My heart wrenches even now, thinking back on it. I've only played through the game completely once. I'm not sure if I'd have the same deep reaction as I did that time but, I'm sure it'll still effect me emotionally.

It takes good writing to make good, believable characters. Sometimes it doesn't have to take much to get attached to this character or that. I think the game did a good job of attaching you to this character. It made her death that much more poignant.

There have been other games, and other tears, like at the end of Final Fantasy X. Another story of love... and loss. Even though at some point it becomes clear what Tidus has to do, and even if he is a little whiney man, one still feels extremely saddened at his passing, because of the relationship that has developed in between him and Yuna. This undying love is something that carries Yuna into Final Fantasy X-2.

I guess in the types of video games I love to play, there is this revolving theme of falling in love, and losing that love. Call me a romantic. ;)

I've been watching a playthrough of Mother 3, which never got released in the America for several reasons. I'm not really that far into watching it, so I imagine there's going to be more sadness in store for me.

The story begins with you meeting the twins Lucas and Claus, their mother Hinawa and her father, Alec. They live in a quaint, mountainous region on an island. Everything is nice. Hinawa and her children have spent some time with her dad, but now they are on their way back home. She writes a letter to her husband Flint, saying how much fun it had been up at her father's place, and how she wished he was there, and that next time, he should ask the neighbors to keep an eye on the sheep that keeps him busy so that they could have family time together. She sends this by pidgeon.

The scene changes, and we're in Tazmily, the family's hometown. Flint is done with his workday, and is settling down when he finds out that the forest outside their town is on fire. After some traveling and rescuing, he returns home to find the letter his wife wrote and then we realize that she and the boys are very late from coming back (it's less than a day's walk from her father's house to Tazmily).

After finding some things (trying to not spoil it too much), they find his boys, who were in the river. And a little while later, one of the townsfolk finds Hinawa, dead, with a tooth of a Drago in her heart. This news hits Flint hard. So much so that he starts attacking people in his depressed rage. He has to be knocked out and locked up in order to calm him down.

This scene... hit me so. very hard. Though it's never explicitly said in game, it's clear that Hinawa risked her life to save her children, and paid the ultimate price for it. Is there anything or anyone you would die for? As I look at Lapis, I have to nod and say yes.

The other reason that this scenario hit me hard because.. of the reaction of Flint to her death. It's quite true that no one mourns in the same ways. Some feel super depressed, some make jokes to feel better. And some... some lash out. It was clear that they loved each other very, very much. And now that she was gone, Flint went into a rage. It's so sad.

I'm pretty sure this is setting the stage for the rest of the game. This one act of selflessness (Hinawa's sacrifice) will set things in motion unto the end of the game. And... this is only an hour into it.

It's no reason it never got put out over here (The version I'm watching is a fan translation).

Sigh. Next time, loss from my life... tune in next time, kiddoes.

Creating and building, stacking and writing.

I was going to write something about love for V-Day, but I decided to talk about something I love to do instead.

But first... the stage...

Minecraft looks like a pretty crappy game, doesn't it? The graphics aren't that good, it's really simple... it's just glorified legos with zombies and exploding monsters, right?

Well, all of those things are true. And that's why I love the game. The fighting and the silly animals are really only partially why I still play the game, even after owning the game for over a year. The thing I REALLY like to do.. is build. The bigger, the better.

This has been the most recent manifestation of my liking of building things. I've been interested in model building since I was a little girl, but really didn't get into it until I did a project for history class in H.S. Something about dolling up the little branches to make them look like trees, and painting the little roofs and doors that stuck a chord with me. (I like that expression. Hush. <.< ) I did a few other small projects but then it got put on the backburner for quite a long time.

And then, I discovered Warhammer 40K.(You can blame Ryan for that.) For those of you that don't know, it's a miniatures game, set in the far future. It's all strategy, and you buy your armies and paint them, and then you play on a large board, with terrain. After everyone decides that the terrain (which can be anything from hills to destroyed buildings) is sufficient, dice are rolled, and the game begins.

Although I think the game is fun in and of itself, you can see why I loved it so much. You mean I can customize tiny little plastic/metal guys (or girls?) PURPLE DEATH ARMY HERE I COME!

We have since stopped playing...for now. Papa hadn't touched his armies in quite a long time before he got me hooked. I'm sure we'll get back into it once again.

A few years later, this game everyone has been raving about becomes available to me and so I slap the 15 or so dollars to buy it and now I'm building giant frigates made out of cubes.

This is only half of what this post is about, though.

The other thing I like to do (or, I would like to do) is to program a game. Probably text based adventure kind. That is also a long story... I started roleplaying online when I was 12 but I never really liked the forum format. I discovered MU*s in high school; (That is, MUDs or MUSHes, text based multiplayer games. I like them both... MUDs tend to be more grindy while MUSHes are more roleplaying/interactive. Think about the difference between say, DnD and Exalted). The reason I'd love to put something together like this probably stems from my love of writing. I love making up stories. And I love playing games. WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?

Papa and I have toyed with several ideas over the years. So many started and never finished projects. I'm in the mood for building worlds again. I'm not sure how or in what way. I'm actually toying with an idea of an adventure map for MC, but I'm not sure. We'll see.

I guess that's it. I'm still a little kid at heart. Playing with blocks.

Just Like Music

I probably shouldn't be doing this post now... as it is 20 minutes after midnight and I'm sleepy. But I feel like writing so here we go.

Music. It's wonderful, isn't it? Who knew that a collection of tones, arranged just so would pull such a myriad of emotions from your very soul or inner being?

My love affair with music began as a child. Our music program at school was actually short lived. But in that time, I saw my first love: the violin. The sound of bow upon strings (and strings in general) would haunt me for a long time.


Still, the first instrument I picked up (after moving schools. The immersion programmed moved from my elementary school to another school and we got a good program for music) was the clarinet. I played it *all the time.* So much so that people used to tease me about it. But I didn't care. It was a means of expression for me, I suppose. This would be the first (but not the last) time a music teacher has said that I had natural musical talent.

I got first chair in our tiny music group... before our music program went to shit. Oh well, no music for the poor folks, huh?

Around high school I got a giant keyboard... my second love. I took a piano class in my sophmore year. (I think it was my sophmore  year.. that was so long ago. D:) As well as learning pieces, I started working with transcribing songs that I loved onto the piano.

Time passed, and moving happened. I took guitar in my senior year, you know, for funsies. I still had a keyboard then as well. I liked playing guitar. It was something playing the strings in tandem with each other that really struck a chord with me (no pun intended.)

More moving and more changing happened, and now here I am, an adult. I have a keyboard again, and a guitar and a violin. I took violin lessons for a short while, but couldn't afford taking them anymore so now it only comes out once in a while. Even though it was my first love, violins are only my second favorite instrument.  My ultimate favorite instrument is the cello.

Stringed instruments. I love them muchly. When you hear me speak about violins and cellos, I will often say that they sing to me. It's how I would describe the sort of music both of these instruments make. Nothing can pull me as hard as they do.

However... harmonies, in voice, do come close. There is just something about it that kills me every single time. The right marriage of sound... it's hard to describe in words.

I've always liked singing, though I never took any classes or anything. I don't really think I'm all that good to be honest. (I'm sure there are those out there who disagree. Nyeh I say!)

I intend for music to be apart of my life until my dying day, and to pass on even a portion of my appreciation for it to my children, and beyond. It's a lovely thing to share. If you'll forgive the expression... music is a gift that keeps on giving.

The First Post... is about cycles.

I've been debating getting into something like this for quite a while now. I don't really go on LJ anymore. Most of my long winded posts get either stuffed away in a folder on my computer (titled Never To See The Light of Day Unless I am Feeling Sad) or as note posts on facebook. I do plan on copying most of my notes from there onto here... and perhaps elaborating more... oh well.

Tonight's discussion is about... cycles.

I was thinking/remembering about the past today. I can tell you right now, I was not the emotionally stable person (snerk) you see today back in the day. No, I was young, and oh so very foolish.

There was a person... a guy. Who I loved and hated. Literally. We'd spend hours talking about everything under the sun, and those times were really nice. And then he'd say something to insult me. And I'd be in tears. and we'd stop talking...and then a few days/weeks/months later he'd pop back up again like nothing happened. And this would continue for six years.

In those years, I met/got together with my husband and... things started to change. I went through a rebirth of sorts. Away went the old crazy, and a new crazy emerged. One that would refuse to be manipulated or treated wrongly again.

I remember talking with this person once, back when we still talked. I said that it seemed we'd forever be landlocked in this vicious cycle. I could see no way out of it.

I am sure that there are new cycles I've found myself trapped in. I know that I get the S.A.D. (what a terrible acronym) or, as I like to call it, the wintertime blues... which pretty much ruins every day from thanksgiving until february, my birthday month. There is a brief respite during the week or so leading  up to Yulemas but even then the depression fog is hard to pierce.

I'm not exactly sure which direction this was going... I was just feeling the need to write about the subject. 

What about you, internet? Are there any cycles you've found yourself in? Do you wish to leave it behind for something better?